Tired of Adulting? Try Assisted Living for Millennials!


Are you tired of living in a crappy place with ungrateful roommates? Are you too worn out at the end of a long day to cook healthy meals or do your own laundry? Have you ditched your bi-annual dentist appointments since college?

Millennial Assisted Living (MAL) might be for you!

MAL is the perfect solution for the worn-out postgrad who needs a little extra help to get through the day/week/year/life.

Picture this: waking up every day in a spotlessly clean apartment to the smell of a French press full of freshly brewed local coffee. Your mountain of laundry is done, and a sharp outfit is already laid out for you. Go get ‘em, tiger!

Stroll to the Community Cafe where you can enjoy an organic, gluten-free breakfast with your buddies Flavia and Kismet. Chat over your glasses of locally brewed kombucha while ironically playing a round or two of Catan, and leave your mess for someone else to clean up.

After a productive day at work, settle back in at the MAL compound for craft cocktail hour on the bocce court. Enjoy mingling with fellow 20-somethings and tossing a few balls with an ice-cold smoked rosemary fennel martini in hand. Who needs a dating app with other hipster-honeys living right across the hall???

Take a swim in the indoor heated (saltwater) pool, have your organic, farm-to-table dinner delivered to your Ikea-chic room, and let the in-house psychotherapist drop by for your nightly emotional-unloading sesh and dose of Adderall.

The MAL compound also offers amenities like:

  • Accountant and financial consultants on-site.
  • In-house medical care that takes care of everything from quick z-pack prescriptions to your annual pap.
  • Warm, community feel.
  • Netflix movie nights on the lawn.
  • Weekend ironic “beach parties” including slip & slides and mariachi bands.
  • 24/7 local organic coffee bar. Baristas are available to you any time of the day or night!
  • Full-service housekeeping.
  • Community “mom” on-call for emotional breakdowns, cookie-baking, and hugs.

When life’s got you down and you just CAN’T EVEN, consider joining a unique community of other technical-grownups at Millennial Assisted Living.

“Let us adult, so you don’t have to.”